'A Whisky is as Good as an Overcoat!'

You may get freezing rain in July, but don’t expect any ice once you are in the bar!! ‘Scotch on the rocks’?! You might as well put a sign on your back saying ‘I am a tourist - please charge me double!!’

The reason is simple, we drink scotch to warm our selves up (a whisky is as good as an overcoat!) Very few Scottish bars have those continuous icemakers, and the barman can’t really be bothered cutting the ice up to fit in those little trays, so best to add a little water. (Remember that nothing improves water like whisky!)

Another useful tip - don’t call it ‘Scotch’ in Scotland. Its not for any snobby reason, its just that in Scotland, all whisky is 'Scotch'! Similarly, in America, you should ask for 'Scotch' because if you just say 'whisky' you might be served anything from Canadian to Bourbon etc.

Just watch how carefully they measure out the whisky! Not this crazy deal known as the 'free pour'! Some of the old timers will then take the measurer and 'wash' it in their accompanying glass of beer (known as a half and a half)! 

Don't expect them to dish out free nuts like they do in 'Cheers'!! If you did that in my local pub, people would come in for supper! 'Hey barman, got any tomato sauce with these cashews?' 

Not only are we a Land of No Ice, we are a Land of No Water – well at least in the restaurant!

Sit down in any American restaurant and a pitcher of water will automatically appear in front of you. Not so in Scotland!  I once heard a confused Scottish waitress actually shout ‘Listen mister, if you want a ‘picture of water’ – take a look above the fireplace – you'll see a great one of Loch Ness!’

We do have the best water in the world so don't try to purchase any with your meal! What we flush in the toilet tastes better than that bottled stuff – which is great news for dogs and people who have been over-served with bad haggis!!

Two last tips concerning the lingo! If anyone sneezes, don't say 'bless you' - you could get yourself in a lot of trouble if you go around blessing strangers in my local pub! Anyone British person will just say 'excuse me' when they sneeze and 'pardon me' if they pass gas! 

I must have been talking too fast to an American lassie at the bar once, for she kept on saying 'pardon me' after ever sentence. When she explained that she just couldn't hear me, so I shouted back "Well lassie that's because every time I try to say anything, you keep on fartin'!" Hey talking about ... 

Next -The F.Art and Scotland Land of No Fresh Air! 

©2000-2005 JB