The
Joke is Dead
Long Live the One Liner!!
If you started with ‘So, this piece of string goes into a bar
….’ you are setting yourself up for a disappointed! They will almost
always end in a guufffaww!
And if you think you can tell a ‘did you hear the one about the Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman … etc’ you are going to hit from all sides!
We are talking fast paced fun here! Word play is what we are all
about. The pub is an arena for fast Irish banter. Long live the quick wit
- a Battle of the wits, where tongue is mightier than the sword!
Just take a seat and listen to the entertainment. Sit back with a good irish whisky in your hand and tune into the banter!
Here is a nice little conversation about the wife that I overheard at O’Lafferties.
Patron #2 - 'Oh thanks a lot, you're a good man! Now how's the wife?'
'Ach, not
good! The
only time that woman runs her hands through my hair is when she can't find a
towel!
I don’t know I
have never tried! Och
I suppose we were just incompatible - you see I'm a Gemini and she was a
complete pain in the feng shway!’
‘Ah
no, my fighting days are done. Marry again? I'd rather lick a caber-tosser's
armpit! Next time I'm just going to find a woman I don't like and give her
my house!’
‘Well I wouldn’t say she was an ugly woman but the only time anyone whistled at her was just before she got hit by a train! ‘
My heart belongs to her and
her alone. However, the rest of my body goes out with loads of other
women!
I
mean take the fight we had that Christmas when she refused to kiss me
under the mistletoe - apparently she didn't like where I was wearing it!'
‘I
tell you, just show me one happy husband and I'll show you a lobotomy
scar! I mean the way I see it, the only advantage of
marriage is that you don't have to get out of bed to pass gas!’
Mothers in law are a favourite topic.
'I wouldn’t say she was a hard woman but the softest thing about her are her teeth!'
'I wouldn’t say she was a cold woman … but when she opens her mouth a little light goes on!'
When she was born … the Dr slapped her mother!
Put
it this way, the only thing that makes her look good is distance!
'Oh aye she seen 3
husbands buried – two were only napping! Hey at least she is
Biodegradable!'
'Ah but her daughter is
an angel! Ah you are lucky, mine is still alive!'
'When
I call her 'hon' I'm refering to Atilla!'
'How are you doing? 
'Ah
rippin' away like a tinkers shirt!'
'Ah would you just look at that! How come every time I meet a beautiful woman either she's married, or I am!'
'I
haven't seen a smile that big since Captain Hook wiped with the wrong
hand! You could ripen bananas!'
'See Jessie - she makes all the women I ever
dream about look like short fat bald men! Eh, that's bald
with one ‘L’
'You know, if my nose were full of dollars, I'd blow them on you!'
I want to write a book on this - 'The Joke is Dead - Long live the Toast!' Anyone out there know anyone in publishing?
©2000-2005 JB